If It Meant Living-54: Consequences

If It Meant Living - Chapter 54
"Consequences"

Title: If It Meant Living – Chapter 54:  "Consequences"
Author: Graceyn
Game: Mass Effect/Mass Effect 2/Mass Effect 3
Characters/pairing: femShep/Kaidan
Disclaimer: Bioware owns all rights to Mass Effect and its characters
Content Warning: Violence, Language

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Shepard walked through the door of Kaidan's hospital room then came to a stop.  He was reading a news story on his Omni-tool but looked up at the sound of the door opening.  She smiled, her eyes lighting up.  "Hi."

She took his breath away.  She looked so damn amazing, shining hair naturally falling over one shoulder, eyes sparkling, smile breathing life into the room.  He swallowed, staring at her wordlessly.

Unnerved by his silence, her brow furrowed.  "Can I come in?"

He shook his head roughly.  "Of course, please."  He quickly flipped off the Omni-tool and turned to her as she walked over.

She reached the side of his bed and took his hand in hers, squeezing it tightly.  "Hi."

He couldn't stop the smile from spreading across his face.  "Hi."  

They fell into one another's eyes.  His still had burst blood vessels shooting out from his irises like jagged bolts of lightning; she didn't care.  Hers were a whirlpool of violet that threatened to pull him in and drown him; he didn't care.

After what could have been minutes he blinked and the world rushed back in; she let go of his hand and sat down in the chair, placing a bag on the floor.  "So I've got good news.  I finally heard from Anderson just before we got to the Citadel.  He's scrambling around trying to put together a resistance force from the friggin' wilderness – but he's alive, he's fighting, and he's not alone."

He exhaled in relief.  "That is good news.  I've been worried about him, leaving him there at ground zero of the invasion.  I've been worried about everyone of course – I can't tell you how frustrating it is to be stuck in this bed when the most important battle of our lives is finally here.  My friends are out there fighting, you're out there fighting, my students are out there fighting – "  He cut himself off.  "I've been training a spec ops biotic squad the last couple of months."

She smiled affectionately.  "I know."

The corners of his mouth twitched as surprise briefly flitted across his eyes.  "Right.  So despite a tidal wave of messages pouring in from Command, I'm having a damn hard time finding out what's going on.  This 'Crucible', is it what Liara found in the Archives?"

"It is; we were able to recover the data from the synthetic.  It's a massive weapon, though no one is quite sure yet exactly what it does.  But we can build it; we're already building it.  It's an unprecedented project; I'm trying to get help everywhere I can, but…"  Her nose wrinkled up slightly.  "It's not easy.  Everyone wants to turtle up in the hope that somehow they can protect their planet from the Reapers when no one else can."

"I'm sure; it's an understandable reaction.  How's Palaven?"

She let out a breath.  "Burning.  But holding out, for now.  They were better prepared than we were.  Due in no small part to Garrus – he's been leading a task force to prepare for the Reapers for the last several months."

"Is he with you now?"

She nodded.  "The Normandy is quite an interesting place at the moment – its current inhabitants also include both the Turian Primarch…and Wrex."

He burst out laughing then grimaced in pain, rubbing his jaw gingerly.  "Oh my god, I can't even imagine.  Be sure to check regularly for hull breaches."

"Oh, believe me I am…"  She rolled her eyes dramatically.  "The Primarch's a good man though…and so is Wrex.  It will be okay – it's just a little tense."

He glanced down at the floor.  "What's in the bag?"

She grinned.  "Presents."  

She reached into the bag then handed him an OSD.  "Music.  It's that jazz artist you loved to play when we were in Vancouver.  I'm sure you probably own it, but I didn't know if it had made it off Earth with you."

He smiled wistfully, staring at the OSD for a moment before placing it carefully on the table beside the bed.  "It didn't.  Thank you – I've found it helps keep the headaches at bay."

She smiled affectionately again.  "I know."  She looked down and reached back into the bag, so she didn't see the look of wonder flash in his eyes.  "And now for something that will not keep the headaches at bay."

He reached out for the bottle, chuckling.  "Elasa…"

She didn't let go, pulling it back slightly.  "But this one comes with conditions.  You can't drink it yet – obviously, hospital."  She captured his eyes and held them, her voice dropping a notch and losing the playful tone.  "And when you do, you have to drink it with me."

He let go of the bottle and closed his eyes.  "Shepard…"

"Don't 'Shepard' me."  

He huffed a brief laugh.  "Fair enough."

She set the bottle on the table and turned back to him, leaning forward in the chair.  "I'm serious, Kaidan.  I meant what I said in my message and then some.  I can't undo the past – " she frowned " – I've tried; didn't work.  But I am so very sorry, and I will do whatever I need to in order to make you believe me."

He shook his head, his forehead wrinkled in consternation.  "You don't have to – I do believe you."    

She nodded thoughtfully, waiting until his eyes returned to her.  "Okay.  Then I guess the question is, can you forgive me?"

He ran his fingers through his hair in agitation and stared out the window.  "It's not about forgiveness…"

"Then what is it about?  Tell me, so I can fix it."  Her voice was patient yet confident, as though she knew this was as fixable as everything else in the galaxy.

He turned back to her, his eyes searching but his jaw resolute.  "How do I know you won't shut me out again the next time something goes wrong?  You've shown no inclination thus far to let me in when things gets hard, to let me help you."

She nodded emphatically and met his gaze honestly.  "I understand.  The answer is that you don't.  I can only ask you to trust me when I tell you that I want to talk to you, I want to share…everything…with you, and that, though at times it can be difficult for me, I'll try very hard to do so.  And when you tell me I'm shutting you out, I'll listen."

He exhaled and looked away.

Her shoulders dropped a fraction of an inch.  "What?  If I promised more it would be a lie and you know it.  I'm sitting here being completely honest with you; at least do the same for me."  She watched his eyes squeeze shut.  "Is there something else?  Or can you simply not…"  Her voice softened as her shoulders dropped further.  "What do I need to do, just tell me…"

He finally looked back at her, and his eyes were sad, worn.  "Shepard…you've already broken my heart and left me alone twice – I know the first time wasn't your fault, but it is what it is.  I can't take you doing it a third time.  I can't."  He let out a breath; it sounded desperate.  "There would be nothing left of me…"

Her eyes were wide and sorrowful.  "Kaidan – "

"Can you sit here and promise me it won't happen again?"

She frowned then, staring at him suspiciously.  "Does dying still count?"

"Yes."

She blinked and straightened up in the chair.  "That's not fair."

His voice was quiet.  "I know.  But you died on me once already, and it nearly killed me."

She stood up abruptly and went over to the window, pacing slowly, her back to him.  She stared out at the Presidium Commons below without really seeing it.  When she finally spoke, her voice seemed to carry in it all the sadness in the universe.  

"Then no…I can't."

She could hear him let out a breath.  "And here I thought you always found a way to survive."

"Yeah…I don't think Dad was counting on the Reapers when he issued his little dying edict."

"So?  It's never been about your father, Shepard.  It's always been about you."

She flared and spun on him.  It wasn't fair to him; he was a captive audience, yet couldn't get in her face and fight back.  So he merely sat in the bed watching her, and it seemed to him a storm raged in her eyes; they were as the nebula surrounding the Citadel, a swirling, writhing purple, glimpses of the stars dancing within.  

"I still can't promise it.  I can't promise it because I've already died once, thus demonstrating unequivocally that it can, in fact, happen.  On any day, on any mission.  I can't promise it because I'm willing to die if it means stopping the Reapers.  I don't want to, I don't intend to, I will do everything in my considerable power not to – but if I must do so, I will.  It's my job.  It's my duty.  And it's yours too, dammit.  Do you think I want to imagine you – "  Her voice cracked.  "Do you have any idea what it was like to watch you almost die?"

He gazed into the swirling nebula, though it ached to do so.  "Do you have any idea what it was like to watch you actually die?"

She exhaled and turned away from him as all the energy seeped out of her body.  He was right, and there was nothing she could say.  Whatever pain she had felt in the last week could never compare to the pain he must have felt for two years…  She stared out the window, running a hand roughly through her hair.  He watched her silently.  

After an eternity she turned back around.  She had a peculiar look on her face, as if she wasn't entirely sure any of this was real.  It couldn't be real.  

"So what are you saying?"

"I don't…"  His eyes were dark and brooding; it made the streaks of red stand out in the harsh hospital lighting.  "You have to understand, from my perspective up until three days ago I thought…"  His voice trailed off.

"Well it took you ten days to figure things out after Horizon, so – "  Her mouth clamped shut.  She sucked in a breath, gazing at him imploringly.  "I'm sorry, I didn't mean that."

His voice was flat.  "Why not?  It's true."

"Because I don't care how long it took – you did, and that's all that ever mattered."

At that moment he wanted out of this damnable bed more than anything – even if he wasn't sure whether it would be to grab her and kiss her or to run away and hide.  But getting up would be clumsy and slow and would probably bring the doctors running…  

So instead he simply nodded before looking away.  "I just…I need some time to think."

She bit her lip and slowly nodded.  She quietly went back to the chair to sit down, then stopped and looked at the door, then back at him.  She worked to keep her voice even.  "Is it okay if I stay a little while?"

He nodded quickly, a sad smile reaching his eyes.  "Of course."

She sat down and placed her hands carefully in her lap.  It took every ounce of her willpower to keep her face neutral, to keep her eyes calm, to keep from screaming and raging at him, to keep from demanding that he stop being stubborn and just come back to her.  Forcing her will on him hadn't worked out so well the last time, best not try it again.  Also, she reminded herself, it would be wrong.  His life was his own; it wasn't hers to play with.

"So how are you feeling?"

He watched her for a moment, wondering how she could just turn it all off so quickly, could be so calm and poised.  He'd seen her do it before in professional situations; intellectually he knew it was an act, but emotionally it still stung.  It's what you just asked her to do Alenko, quit being a petulant child.  

He sighed deeply.  "Like a Krogan scrambled my brains and had them for breakfast…"  The corner of his mouth twitched up.  "You remember that time on Casbin when a Geth Colossus blew the Mako off the hill with me still in it, scrambling around trying to find more thermal clips?  I spent a week laid up in the Med Lab with a broken leg, a broken arm and an unbroken migraine."

She rolled her eyes.  "Of course I remember – you took my thermal clips with you down the hill.  Ash finally killed that damn thing with two shots left between the both of us."

"Yeah, sorry about that…anyway, I'm pretty sure this is worse.  But…every day's been better.  So that's something."

She tried to smile.  "It is."

"So…Udina came by earlier today.  He, uh, asked me to become a Spectre."

She smiled for real this time, she couldn't help it.  "Kaidan, that's wonderful.  I'm so happy for you."

He fidgeted with the sheet.  "I'm not sure I'm going to accept."

She tilted her head at him and smiled teasingly.  "Come on…seriously, you want to be sitting around by the fire one evening, telling your grandkids the story of that time you were asked to be a Council Spectre but turned it down, and how you went on to save the galaxy from the Reapers but because you were just some Alliance officer, Spectre Shepard got all the credit?"

The words slipped out before he could stop them.  "Our grandkids?"

She flinched and looked away.

He let out a harsh laugh.  "Right.  What was I thinking, as if the great Commander Fucking Shepard would ever stop long enough to have a family…when will I learn to stop being such a goddamn romantic…"  He stared out the window, jaw clenched despite the pain it caused.

She stared at the floor as if she were looking for an escape hatch to open.  What had she been thinking, saying that?  Grandkids?  Her voice was barely a whisper.  "No…it's not that…"

He turned back to her, his expression pained, his voice tight.  "No?  Then what is it?"

Her forehead dropped into her palm.  

"Fuck…"  

She swallowed hard then looked up at him.

"Kaidan, I can't have children.  Turns out not even Cerberus could get those parts back up and running.  Or chose not to."

His harsh expression collapsed.  "Graceyn…I didn't…"

She didn't seem to hear him; she just gazed at the ceiling and chuckled bitterly.  "I don't know, maybe I could find Miranda's father, get some pro tips, make some little clone Shepards one day…"

"I'd love little clone Shepards."

Her head swung sharply back to him.

He squeezed his eyes shut, dropping his head back against the pillow.  "Dammit.  See, you do these things, and you make me want…"  After what seemed forever he opened his eyes.

"God, you are so beautiful…"

Her heart felt as if it was going to shatter any second, but she just smiled and rolled her eyes.  "Well, I'd say 'you're so handsome', but the truth is you're a little bruised up at the moment…"

He chuckled feebly.  "Yeah, more than a little."

Then the veil behind his eyes shuttered, closing down.  He turned towards her without quite meeting her eyes.  "Look, I'm going to be stuck in this bed a while longer.  I'll think about…things.  I will."  He attempted a smile, but it was a poor attempt.  "Now get out of here, you have a galaxy to save."

She shook her head softly.  "It's okay, I have some time."

His chin dropped to his chest.  He sounded so tired.  "No…I need you to not be here."

She visibly jerked.  "What?"

He sighed wearily and found a way to look at her.  "Shepard, when you're here with me, I can't think straight…everything gets turned all upside-down, sideways, I don't even know what direction things are pointing, you spun them around so hard.  And right now…I need to be thinking straight."

She stared at him for the briefest moment as a flash of white-hot pain flashed across her eyes before she dropped her head to stare at the floor.  When she finally looked back up her face was a mask, her eyes clouded, her voice flat and toneless.  "Of course.  I understand.  I'll go."

His eyes pleaded with her.  "I'm sorry," he whispered.

She nodded tightly and stood up, reaching over and squeezing his hand firmly but briefly.  The mask held as she quickly glanced at him.  

"Get well.  The galaxy needs you."  Then she turned away and walked out, forcing herself not to run.  

As the door closed behind her, he whispered to it.  "And what about you?"

***

She sagged against the wall outside the hospital, eyes closed.  She felt like she had just flunked the most important exam of her life, only to find out it had been rigged from the start and there had been no way to win.  Except, of course, no measly exam had ever torn her heart out and ripped it into little pieces.  She breathed in deeply and tried to tamp down the stabbing pain into a dull ache.  She had to –   

Her Omni-tool beeped.  She reluctantly opened the waiting message.

Hey Shep.  I heard a rumor the Normandy was docked at the Citadel.  If you've got a minute come meet me on the Docks in the Refugee Camps, let's catch up.  I'll find you.

-- Kasumi

She smiled.  If ever she needed a friend, now was the time.  She hit Reply.

I'm on the way.

The Refugee Camps were a chaos of people – different species, injured and healthy, crying and fighting, holed up in everything from sleeping bags to elaborate shelters.  Merchants and scam artists hocked their wares, nurses tended to the ailing, children played games and ran squealing through the pathways.  She couldn't decide whether to be devastated or heartened – most of these people had lost nearly everything, there was so much pain and sadness; yet the crowd buzzed with life, finding a way.  She watched a little girl leaning against a table, sketching a furry dog on a datapad.  

"I loved to draw when I was a little girl."

She turned around and gave Kasumi a warm hug.  "It's so good to see you.  I'm glad you're okay."

"Ah, you know me, always sneaking my way into and out of danger.  It's good to see you too.  I've missed you."

They turned and began strolling through the crowd, picking their way through the crush of people.  "Why'd you want to meet down here?  This place is insane."

Kasumi grinned.  "Exactly.  No better place to hide than a crowd."

"Somebody after you?"

"Somebody's always after me, you know that.  But nah, I'm mostly good.  But what about you?  Out saving the galaxy?"

She shook her head slowly.  "Doing my damnedest, but it's not easy…"

Kasumi chuckled.  ""If it was easy they'd let anyone do it.  Seeing as it's not, they'll let you handle it for them."  Shepard rolled her eyes.  "Gorgeous hair, by the way.  You totally should have grown it out years ago."

"Thanks.  I might have, but it's not exactly Alliance regulation.  Of course, Alliance regs aren't a priority right now, so…"

They squeezed through a passageway and entered a makeshift marketplace that had sprung up in a docking bay.  Merchants were selling everything from food and medical supplies to sleeping bags and pillows to movie vids and porn OSDs.  

Kasumi picked up one claiming to feature Asari and Varren engaging in…she quickly dropped it and backed away, eyes wide.  "Wow.  Moving on."  She leaned in closer to Shepard as the crowd thinned.  "So…you know that intel Keiji had?  I think it might actually be important now – not the focus of the intel so much, but the result of it.  I'm thinking maybe I should leak it, but I wanted to talk to you first."

Shepard glared at the ceiling.  "Shit, Kasumi, I'm out there busting my ass trying to build coalitions, trying to get everyone to work together – the last goddamn thing I need is the Alliance embroiled in a scandal!"

Kasumi's eyes narrowed, taken aback by the fraying in Shepard's voice.  She put a hand on her arm.  "I know.  I didn't mean leak it to the media – I meant leak it discreetly to someone who could investigate it and deal with any…problems."

"Problems?"

"Problems like indoctrinated Hanar on the Citadel, for instance…"

Shepard chuckled, shaking her head ruefully.  "Okay.  Tell me."

Kasumi nodded.  "So a Batarian research team was studying some Reaper tech, and – "

She groaned.  "Dear god, does everyone have Reaper tech?  Cerberus, merc groups, Alliance deep-cover labs, Batarian research teams…with all these Reaper goodies lying around for the taking, how did the Council continue to deny their existence for three years?  How the hell is it that I was the one that was crazy?"

Kasumi frowned.  "Um…because everyone that got close to one was indoctrinated before they were able to do anything with their findings?"

Shepard stopped suddenly, biting her lower lip.  "Okay that was actually a pretty good answer.  Carry on."

Kasumi grabbed her hand, dragging her back into the crowd.  "Right.  So the Alliance found out about it and sent in a black ops team to take them down.  The raid turned into a massacre, and the Reaper tech disappeared.  The Alliance faked a power failure and explosion at the facility to cover it up – hence the potential for scandal."

Shepard nodded.  "The Reaper tech disappeared, and we're talking about indoctrinated Hanar, so I'm guessing that's where it ended up?"

Kasumi laughed softly.  "You always were two steps ahead of everyone else.  A Hanar named Zamandus tipped off the Alliance about the Batarians and insisted on going with them.  He disappeared along with the Reaper tech during the raid.  I didn't think much of it – I had other priorities when spending quality time with Keiji's graybox – but earlier this week I happened to catch a news story about dissent among the Hanar diplomatic representatives regarding how to respond to the Reaper threat.  The diplomat arguing against joining the fight was named Zamandus."

"Got it."  Shepard rubbed her temples wearily.  "Give me the data, I'll go after him."

Kasumi smiled kindly.  "Oh, I wouldn't ask you to do this – you've got far bigger problems to deal with.  I just, well, wanted your permission."

She frowned.  "Kasumi, this is a real problem, and it needs to be handled carefully.  Who were you going to leak it to?"

"There's this Salarian Spectre, Jondum Bau – he's been chasing me for a while now.  I thought I'd send it to him."

"Chasing you?  Do you need me to get him off your back?"

"Nah, we have a fun little game of cat-and-mouse going on.  He's pretty cool."

Shepard activated her comm.  "Mordin, do you have a second?"

"Yes, several – synthesizing proteins while listening to Eve talk about the life of a Krogan Shaman."

"Sounds like fun.  Do you know of a Salarian Spectre by the name of Jondum Bau?"

"Yes.  Good Spectre.  Interesting.  Clever.  Creative.  One time he – "

"You can tell me later, Mordin.  Can I trust him?"

"Certainly.  Honorable man.  More so than most."

"Okay, thank you, Mordin.  I'll let you get back to those proteins."  She cut the link.  "Alright, Kasumi, do what you need to.  Just be careful."

"Thanks, Shep.  It will be nice to have a clear conscience about this."

They suddenly realized they had reached the end of the Docks, as all the bustle dissolved into a plain gray wall in front of them.  Shepard looked over at Kasumi speculatively.  "Say…I don't suppose you want to go get drunk with me?"

Kasumi raised an eyebrow.  "Seriously?"

"Seriously.  There's this club, Purgatory, it's so damn dark in there no one will even see you.  I'm buying…?"

Kasumi smiled broadly.  "Well in that case, lead the way."

***

Shepard came back from the bar with four full glasses and slid onto the stool at the table in the corner.  She picked up a glass and clinked it against Kasumi's.

"Cheers."  She knocked back the glass and drained it in one gulp.

Kasumi watched her, eyes narrowed suspiciously, and sipped her drink.  "Much as I enjoy hanging out with you, I'm not sure that's the point of our little adventure.  Any interest in telling me what this is about?"

Shepard smiled apologetically.  "I do want to spend time with you, Kasumi.  You know that."

"I do."  She just kept staring at Shepard, an eyebrow raised, waiting.

Shepard looked down, picking up the second glass and taking a long swallow.  "The Reapers are here, isn't that enough?  It's enough for everyone else in here."

"No, it's not.  Not for you."

She finally sighed and looked over at Kasumi hopelessly.  "I'm an idiot and I probably ruined everything?  How's that for a reason?"

"Ahh, Shepard, you are many things, but an idiot is not one of them."

"Don't be so sure about that…"  She drained the second glass.

Kasumi tilted her head slightly, frowning in concern.  "Okay then…what did you ruin?"

"It doesn't matter.  I'll be back."  Shepard slid off the stool and headed for the bar.

***

Three hours later, Shepard stumbled off the stool and fell against Kasumi.  "I don't think…"  Kasumi eased her down onto the edge of a nearby couch.

"I just…need…a minute…"  Her head fell back onto the couch and her eyes fluttered closed.

Kasumi kneeled down next to her.  "What did he do to you, Shepard…"  She sighed, then reached over and activated Shepard's Omni-tool, scrolling through the display for a minute then hitting the comm.

"Garrus?  Hey, it's Kasumi…I'm doing good, thanks…yeah, I'm using Shepard's comm…listen, are you free by chance?  Shepard could use a little help, we're in this club, Purgatory…excellent, we're over in the lounge area, to the left when you come in."

Garrus stalked into Purgatory on full alert.  He was expecting a fight.  Not that Shepard couldn't handle herself in a fight just fine, but maybe it was a big fight.  His eyes darted around the club, and though it was dark as hell, he couldn't see a fight – just drunk people making fools of themselves on the dance floor and off.  

He started over towards the lounge area.  He knew he didn't stand a chance in hell of finding Invisible Girl, but he should be able to…he saw a shock of red hair draped over the back of a couch.

He looked down at Shepard, collapsed haphazardly on the couch, and frowned.  He suddenly realized Kasumi was kneeling next to her in the shadows.

"This…wasn't what I was expecting…"

Kasumi stood up and gave him a quick hug.  "Hey Garrus.  Thanks for coming."

"Sure, but…what happened?"

Kasumi sighed tiredly.  "She asked me if I wanted to go get drunk with her, and I said sure, and then…she got drunk.  Really drunk, really fast.  She wouldn't talk about what was wrong though.  Eventually she started muttering stuff about Kaidan and promises, but by that point I couldn't really make sense of it.  I'd had a few drinks myself, and, well…"

Garrus closed his eyes and let out a long breath.  "Right."  

He squatted down and slid his arms under her knees and shoulders, gently lifting her up.  She mumbled something indecipherable through the hair strewn across her face.  "It's okay, Shepard, we're just going to go back to the Normandy.  I've got you."

He looked over at Kasumi.  "Do you want to come?  You could, um, help me get her into bed and stuff, cause I don't really…  You could stay the night, I know she wouldn't mind."

Kasumi chuckled lightly.  "Sure.  I can do that."

He nodded, repositioned Shepard snugly against his chest, then made for the exit.

***

Garrus strode past the nurse.

"I'm sorry, sir, visiting hours are over for the day, you really should – "  

He didn't stop or turn around.  "Official C-Sec business.  I'll just be a minute.  I need to go jerk a knot in somebody's neck."

"But sir!"

He stormed into Kaidan's room and flicked on the light.  "Bastard."

Kaidan squeezed his eyes shut.  "Garrus?  What?  Turn off the light, I'm having a damn migraine here…"  It had come on in force shortly after Shepard had left, for utterly obvious reasons that had little to do with his implant or his concussion, and was showing no sign of dissipating anytime soon.

"Good, you should be.  I care – you deserve it.  What did you say to her?"

Kaidan tried to open his eyes then covered them with his palms at the blinding, painful light, and asked the stupid question because it was all his pain-wracked brain could think of to say.  "Who?"  

"Shepard, you moron.  I just literally carried her out of a bar and all the way back to the Normandy, drunk off her ass, mumbling your name and not much else.  Whatever you did, I hope you're happy with it."

Kaidan rubbed his temples in a futile attempt to ease the stabbing pain behind his eyes.  Shepard had always known how to temper the pain…  "Garrus, I – "

"You know what, I don't care.  Don't do it again.  In fact, if you're going to hurt her, better that you just stay away.  She's the only hope any of us have, and she doesn't need you fucking with her head."

Kaidan sighed into the pain, his voice strained.  "She doesn't need me at all…"

Garrus had started to leave but stopped in the doorway and looked back at him, shaking his head in disbelief.  "Is that what you think?"  

He turned to go, then stopped again.  "You know, back on the first Normandy, I thought you were a pretty smart guy.  Level-headed, calm under pressure, knew a lot about a lot of things but didn't advertise it – let people underestimate you.  I should have realized my mistake after Horizon but Shepard, she believed in you, so I let it go.  But now…now I'd say you're pretty much an idiot."

Kaidan squinted in the direction of the door.  "What are you talking ab– "

But Garrus was already gone.

***

A muffled noise emerged from the pillow, sounding vaguely like "Ugh…"

At the sound of movement that followed, Shepard squinted one eye open and found Kasumi standing at the side of the bed, both hands outstretched.

"Here you go – water, painkillers."

She rolled over and grabbed them immediately, guzzling half the bottle of water in a single swig, popping the pills, then collapsing back on the pillow.

"What…"  She looked up at Kasumi suddenly, eyes wide.  "Oh god…I'm so sorry…"

Kasumi grinned impishly.  "Don't be.  I got to spend the night on a remarkably comfortable couch, and I didn't even have to spend half the night holding your hair back while you puked – a pleasant surprise, by the way."

"Yeah, turns out biotics are good for more than just killing people – as a bonus, they take the edge off a hangover…"  She clamped a hand on her forehead and squeezed her eyes shut.  "A little of the edge, anyway…"

After a minute she opened her eyes again and found Kasumi sitting on the edge of the bed.  She slid over to give her more room.  "How did I get back here?  I don't remember much of anything after…well, after getting to Purgatory, really."

Kasumi studied the bedcovers intently.  "Yeah…I commed Garrus…he kind of…carried you back to the Normandy…"

Shepard rolled over and buried her face in the pillow.  "Oh god…he's never going to let me live this down…"

Kasumi frowned.  "Actually, I think he was worried about you."  She paused.  "So was I.  Are you doing okay?"

She propped up on her elbows and tried to smile.  "Yeah…nothing a few more drunken nights and ten gallons of water the next morning won't fix…"

Kasumi stared at her unwaveringly.  "Are you really?"

She let out a long sigh and met Kasumi's eyes.  "No.  But it doesn't matter – Grim Reaper's banging on the door, demanding to be dealt with, and he doesn't give a shit about my emotional health."

Kasumi's eyes narrowed.  "Did you mean to make a truly horrendous pun?"

She raised an eyebrow.  "Do I look like I'm in any condition to make a pun – good, marginal or truly horrendous?"

Kasumi laughed.  "Not in the slightest."

"That's what I thought.  So…I don't suppose you want to come along for the ride?"

"I have three outstanding felony warrants, I don't think serving on an Alliance military vessel would be the best idea.  I do wish I could help though."

Shepard glanced over at her.  "Think you can pull together a moderately-convincing fake identity?"

Kasumi shrugged.  "Sure, wouldn't be the first time."

"The Crucible Project could definitely use your…unique skills.  They aren't in a position to be doing month-long background checks.  Put it together, let me know the name, and I'll recommend you to Admiral Hackett."

Kasumi scrunched up her nose in suspicion.  "You sure that's a good idea?"

She smiled.  "You could make a real difference."

Kasumi rolled her eyes and stood up.  "Okay then…"  She wandered over to the fish tank and started making faces at the fish, tapping lightly on the glass.  "If you're functional, I should probably get going.  You said you needed to head out to Tuchanka this morning."

Shepard slid her legs off the edge of bed, took a few slow, deep breaths, then carefully pushed up to a standing position.  "Alright.  Yes, I do.  Shame on you for not wanting to come, I hear it's lovely there this time of year."  She gingerly walked over to Kasumi and hugged her tightly.  "I'm sorry I ruined our night together, but thank you so much for taking care of me."

Kasumi suddenly realized she was experiencing something she couldn't recall ever feeling in her life, save for Keiji which was of course different.  A wellspring of affection and caring rose up inside her, nearly bringing tears to her eyes.  She swallowed and squeezed Shepard back.  "You didn't ruin anything.  I just want you to be okay.  Happy."

Shepard pulled back but kept her arms on Kasumi's shoulders.  "We defeat the Reapers and I'll find a way to be, I promise.  Now go, get your ass to doing some real work."  She dropped her arms and took a step back, glaring suspiciously at the bathroom door.  "I'm going to take a shower, then I think I need to go see Garrus…"

Kasumi smiled.  "Okay, Shep.  Kick the Reapers' ass, but make sure and take care of yourself too."  She waved bye at the fish then turned and left.

When the door shut behind her, Shepard leaned hard on the fish tank and dropped her forehead to the cool glass.  The new fish had been delivered…that was good.  She was going to need them.  "Hi, new fishies,"  she whispered.  

She slowly exhaled, sagging against the tank.  She wanted nothing more than to crawl back into the bed and shut the world away.

Commander.  Leader.  Example.  Stand up, Shepard.